Latenight Thoughts
by Fizby the Jupiter Adept
Summary: ONE SHOT! What does Garet think about all these people teasing him and making fun of his stupidity? Rated PG-13 for very depressing thoughts.


Just a little look of what might be going inside Garet's head at night when he can't sleep, after a day where people make fun of him being stupid or slow... A private joke many (including me) have shared a part in.

*****

_They think I'm slow. Or stupid. Maybe even both._

_But am I really?_

_That's what they think._

_I'm really not. If I wanted to, I could be smarter than Isaac._

_Maybe._

_But I sorta like it this way._

_Or do I?_

_I mean, it gives me a great way to escape reality._

_If you think about it._

_I only get the responsibilities they think I'm capable of._

_Which is not much.      _

_Which is quite frustrating as well._

_When you actually try to be serious,_

_They don't listen.        _

_Or are so shocked and confused that you have to pass it off as you just being silly or stupid._

_In the beginning, it was okay._

_But now,_

_I'm not the big clown they think I am._

_But I've woven myself neatly into a trap_

_That even I don't know how to get out of._

_Makes me really wonder if I'm as smart as I think I am._

_Maybe I'm just as stupid as I act._

_After all, aren't who we are based on our actions?_

_But that can't be right..._

_I'm so confused._

_I wish someone would just give me the answer._

_That's what they automatically do anyway._

_I hate my life._

_I wonder what death is like?_

_The oblivion where no one can return?_

_Would I really end my life?_

_No._

_My friends need me._

_Just like I need them._

_But I also need answers._

_And those won't come from the people who don't know the real me._

_I wonder what they'd do if I started acting like I really am..._

_Would they still want to know me?_

_Would they even notice?_

_Well, they'd definitely notice._

_They'd suddenly notice that "stupid and brash" Garet_

_Is more than just brawn._

_He's got feelings too._

_He has some brains._

_But what is Garet really like, anyway?_

_I spend so much time putting on that façade_

_That I've forgotten who I really am._

_Life stinks._

_Sure, people think that the most harmful torture is to break the mind, spirit, or body._

_Well, try having your identity taken away from you._

_You know who you are._

_You still have your name and memories._

_But what makes yourself **you** is lost._

_Never to return._

_Sometimes when I think about this, I want to cry._

_But I know my friends are watching._

_So I can't._

_This is a really hard path I've chosen._

_No escape._

_No end._

_How I'd love to just make it all go away._

_Right here._

_Right now._

_But I know my friends need me._

_As I need to know who **I** am._

_It's just this never-ending circle of insecurities._

_A circle of pain._

_No escape._

_There's no outlet for this confusion._

_So at night,_

_I bury my head in my arms_

_And cry silently._

_I have lost many nights that way._

_I wonder if my friends worry about me._

_But I don't think they notice._

_They don't have this same **poison** killing them slowly from the inside._

_They are blessed._

_They are **normal**._

_Sure, maybe they're not totally normal._

_People like us never are._

_But I'm different._

_Different from all of them._

_I'd like to be able to see the future._

_Know if this is all worth it._

_Know if this will eventually work towards some greater good._

_If good will come out of this suffering, go ahead!_

_Let me wither slowly in my anguish!_

_But I don't know for certain._

_No one ever can._

_In this torture that we call "life,"_

_Are any of us really that significant?_

_Does any second of our lives really count?_

_So all this suffering I'm going through,_

_It probably doesn't have any meaning after all._

_Right beside me is a sword._

_Swords take lives._

_Small lives that don't matter at all._

_Will I take the chance?_

_Could I really take that sword and plunge it through myself?_

_Ending all my suffering?_

_Somehow, I don't think I could manage that._

_The idea of that cold metal plunging through my gut..._

_I can't bear it._

_As much as I'd like all this confusion to go away and end in a simple answer,_

_It will never be answered if there's no one to receive that answer._

_And what will my friends think?_

_They'll be kept in the dark._

_Completely baffled why I killed myself in the middle of the night._

_I couldn't bear it._

_I couldn't cause my friends so much pain._

_So I won't commit suicide._

_But that still doesn't solve my problem._

_The dawn is breaking._

_I spent yet another night in this enigma._

_In a couple moments, everyone else will wake up,_

_Well rested._

_Well, one Adept didn't get any sleep at all._

_No surprise there._

_While the solution still eludes me,_

_I need to get up and on with it_

_To spend another day trying to save all the meaningless lives._

_I have to just grin and bear my sorrow._

_But you know what?_

_Right now is the start of a new day._

_Maybe..._

_Maybe today..._

_I'll find out who I am,_

_And why I'm here._

_Yes._

_That's it._

_Today._

*****

Wow. Three and one third pages full of Garet's depressing/suicidal thoughts. Damn, can I drone on!? ^^; Sorry that was so depressing, though. I had to get it out of me system. Now I feel better. Must have Air Heads. Sugar is our friend... Buh-bye! ::Zooms upstairs to the kitchen::


End file.
